staying busy as possible...

well, i finished another project today, and i'm very glad! in my "round robin express" group we are having a "recipe art exchange" activity where we all contribute 6 different recipes (one from each listed categories) and send them in and they are going to be laminated and bound into a cookbook! now ain't that just the coolest! there are 6 of us participating, each contributing 6 recipes, so that makes... 36 recipe cards total, if my raggedy math skills are correct! lol i'm really looking forward to the completed project. i love cookbooks, i have a ton of them, but there's always room for just one more.

i have finished so many projects in the last couple weeks, i know i was/am ahead of myself on some but i couldn't help it. as i finish one i'm looking for another to do. as i look through my supplies i see things that i want to use to make something. as i ponder little details i of a project new ideas flit in and out of my head... and i think i just figured out why.

as some of you may know, we lost our 16 yr old daughter, amanda, in november 2005. she had leukemia and complications of pneumonia took her life. it's the hardest damn thing i've ever had to deal with in my life. i've lost other people... relatives, including my dad, and also friends... but losing a child... just doesn't seem fair. it totally screws up the whole order of things, you know? i'm still dealing with all the shoulda, woulda, coulda, what if, stuff. i feel so cheated. her precious life was ripped away from me by a cruel disease. i am at peace with the fact that she died when she did. i know that sounds crazy after what i just said, but she was extremely sick and her illness had relapsed and she was going to have to go through more extenisve chemo to try to get rid of it. they gave her less than a 20% chance of making it through the chemo. it would have made her more sick than she had ever been up to that point. i don't think i could have watched her just waste away day by day. she was too strong and too spirited for that. she would have hated it! so, that is why i say i am at peace with the fact that she died when she did. what is hard for me is the absence of her physical presence in my life. hearing her laugh. dealing with her attitude! telling her i love you and hearing her say it back. *sigh* well, july 25th will have been her 19th birthday. shit, now i'm crying. well, i've kept it in check fairly well, so what the hell! it's hard... because birthdays are to be celebrated! when someone dies, what do you do? when your child dies, what do you do for their birthday? you talk about them, you look at pictures, maybe you go out for dinner or make their favorite food, you release some balloons, you cry... alot of people don't do anything, because they just don't know what to do. i have such a hard time with amanda's birthday because i just can't let that day go by without rejoicing and celebrating the fact that she ENTERED this world! it has nothing to do with the fact that she died. it is the celebration of her LIFE. we had been planning a long weekend away this year, over her birthday weekend. it was going to be busy and fun and filled with people and good times. but it's not going to happen now, circumstances beyond our control nipped it right in the bud. so, i'll be home, or somewhere near home. and yes, a few people will remember her birthday... but most don't mention her anymore. they don't know what to say, or they figure i don't want to talk about it because it makes me cry, or whatever. or their tired of talking about it because i like to talk about her when i can. oh, right now i wish i could just freaking scream at the top of my lungs till my throat can't take it anymore, till my voice is gone, till my head explodes! i think i've worked so hard at being busy because amanda's birthday is so near and i know it's going to be so tough. if anyone reads this, if you got this far... go hug your kids, ok? it doesn't matter what they did or didn't do, doesn't matter what they broke or lost, doesn't matter if you are at your wits end because they are driving you out of your everlovin mind... just hug them, make a point of really hugging them, holding them close and tell them how much you love them. how special they are to you. i would give anything if i could do that just one more time. ok, i'm going to go wash my face now, and try to stay away from my mom till my eyes and face go back to looking normal so i don't upset her. i never did finish cleaning those cages, so i think that's what i'll do. i'll take care of all of our furbabies that i love so much. i know amanda would have loved them too. she was such an animal lover. if anyone is interested, you can visit her memorial site at http://www.amandacox.memory-of.com . nothing fancy, just a bit about her and some pictures and stuff. oh, you can see all of us bald! that's good for a laugh! lol ok, i'm off to more productive things...